There is hope for your marriage
Using the differences as opportunities to
grow:
Traditionally, when couples fight, have misunderstandings, discover a
lack of things in common, or confront the challenge of incompatibility, their
first instinct is to flee while rationalizing to themselves "this will never
work, we're just too different." In The New Intimacy, Judith and Jim
present a stark contrast to that perspective, illuminating that it's within the
depths of those very differences where the most profound potential for real love
lies, waiting to be awakened.
With commitment, courage, and the willingness to exchange stale, unconscious
behavior patterns for fresh, healthy choices, you can learn how to transform the
differences into catalysts for growth, instead of fodder for heartache. Based on
the principles of The New Intimacy differences between partners can make
lovers out of adversaries.
"Conscious Creativity" -- a nine step process to working through conflict
rather than running away from it – is one of the techniques Judith and Jim
advise practicing. Your goal is to co-create and discover a new way of being
together, a resolution that satisfies both of you. Therefore, each of you need
to speak your half of the problem and listen respectfully and with genuine
curiosity to your partner's point of view.
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Define the issue – truthfully express what is disturbing you in as
much detail as possible.
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Feel your feelings – experience and communicate your feelings as
honestly and openly as you can in the moment you are feeling them.
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Remember that you care – keep in mind that ongoing relationships are
a mosaic made up of many facets, and there is more to your partner and your
relationship than any one issue.
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Beware of self-sabotage – stay aware of what's going on inside you
during a rough spot in the relationship, don't allow old negative behavior
patterns to swamp the present moment.
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Change your mind – open yourself to the fact that any issue can be
understood and interpreted in a variety of ways, otherwise you'll continue to
stay in a rut and progressively dig the hole deeper with every conflict.
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Take personal responsibility – ask yourself in what way or ways do
you contribute to the situation that upsets you. Rarely if ever in an ongoing
relationship does a difficulty arise that has not been contributed to by both
partners.
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Remember that your partner is not you – learn to internalize and
understand that your partner is not you. Your resolutions will be respectful of
your differences only when you both find ways to empathize with the other's
point of view.
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Be consciously creative – hold the other in your consciousness as you
want to be held. Appreciate and value the other's experience in the ways that it
is different from yours.
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Seek both/ and solutions – as you seek a resolution, remember that
you are two different people, and the resolution needs to reveal not an either/
or but a both/ and quality. Resolutions aren't about winning, they're about a
process of respect and intimacy, growth and emergence.
Guard against the very dangerous belief that if you're having difficulty with
your partner, that means your relationship is in trouble. More than likely it
means your relationship needs a tune-up and an oil change. Only in romantic
fantasy does everything go smoothly without attention, care and change.
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